Making New Friends After Leaving Your Religious Group
When you leave a high control religious group, you're not just stepping away from a belief system.
Most of us also face the reality of losing a significant social network.
For those who grew up in closed-off communities, finding new friends and support systems can often feel perplexing, overwhelming, and maybe even scary.
The goal of this article is to provide some practical steps to help you rebuild your social circle in a way that feels authentic and aligned with your core values.
Why We’re So Isolated
Most high control religions encourage connections only within the community, teaching that the only "safe" or acceptable relationships are with fellow believers.
This essentially means that social connections are limited to those who share the same faith.
So what happens when you leave that faith?
Well, it usually means you’re so misaligned in values that you no longer want to maintain the friendships you once had.
Or conversely, your church friends no longer consider you “safe” to associate with, so they break of the friendship with you.
As someone raised in a fundamentalist evangelical community, I can probably count only on one hand the folks I was able to maintain a genuine connection with since leaving (and this includes family members!).
But it’s not emotionally healthy for us to be isolated long-term, therefore, it’s essential that we begin rebuilding our social supports once we feel stable and strong enough to do so.
Developing New Social Skills
For those who spent years in insular religious groups, building friendships based on mutual interests rather than shared beliefs can feel unfamiliar.
You might notice that many social skills weren't encouraged outside the group, as the group itself was the main social structure.
Upon leaving, you may have to “catch up” with social skills development, which may feel daunting.
How Closed Communities Affect Social Growth
As mentioned above, high control religions often try to limit social interactions to members of the same faith group.
Furthermore, these groups base friendships almost entirely on spiritual conformity, focusing more on maintaining the group's religious ideals than fostering diverse, genuine relationships.
Within such communities, there is often an unspoken rule: true friendships are those that support the group's beliefs and values without question.
Any deviation from these beliefs can result in rejection or shaming, making authentic, open communication rare and potentially risky.
Friendships Based on Spiritual Factors
Friendships in these settings are frequently rooted in shared religious practices, mutual accountability to faith-based behaviors, and even monitoring each other's spiritual lives.
This conditional basis for relationships can make social skills—such as resolving conflicts, sharing emotions, and valuing individual differences—difficult to develop.
Instead of learning to build relationships with people of diverse backgrounds or beliefs, members are encouraged to stay within their spiritual community, reinforcing a single, narrow framework for socializing.
The Special Case of Homeschool Kids
For homeschooled kids in these religious groups—church may have literally been the only source of social connection (this was the case for me).
Unfortunately, many families who choose to homeschool their kids for religious reasons actively seek to isolate them from the world.
Without access to non-religious social settings, such as public school, neighborhood activities, or sports teams, many homeschoolers in these groups grow up cut off from the broader community.
This limitation in social experience further reinforces a dependence on the group and may also leads poorly developed social skills that make it hard to form friendships outside the religious group.
Steps for Building New Friendships
Creating a new social circle is possible, but it takes intention and patience. Here are some practical steps to guide you through the process.
1. Understand Your Values and Interests
In religious communities, connections are often made based on shared beliefs rather than personal values or interests.
Now, you have the chance to reconnect with your authentic self and understand what truly matters to you. Ask yourself:
- What values are most important to me now?
- What interests or activities do I want to pursue?
- Who do I feel comfortable around, and why?
Finding people who align with your current values—whether it's through hobbies, personal growth goals, or social interests—can help you create relationships grounded in authenticity rather than obligation.
For myself, connecting with people committed to community activism, joining a writing group, and attending a book club were all ways I nurtured my own interests while also connecting with others.
2. Start Small and Stay Open to New Experiences
The idea of making friends outside your former faith group can be scary, especially if you've always connected with others based on shared religious beliefs.
Begin by reaching out to those in your immediate environment—like coworkers, neighbors, or online groups focused on topics you enjoy.
Taking small, manageable steps helps build comfort and confidence, and it opens the door to potential friendships without feeling overwhelmed.
3. Take Initiative in Building Connections
One hurdle many face is the hesitation to make the first move in building new friendships.
However, rather than waiting to be invited, try initiating plans.
For example, if you meet someone you feel a connection with, invite them for coffee or suggest attending a local event together.
In my experience, I've found that simply asking for a person's contact information has often led new friendships.
People are generally open to genuine interest, so taking the first step can be both empowering and effective.
4. Embrace the Slow Process of Building Relationships
Healthy relationships take time to develop.
Rushing into deep connections too soon can lead to unhealthy dynamics.
However, intense bonding without an established foundation is often encouraged in high-control religious groups, so taking things slowly and cautiously may feel strange at first.
Try to build tolerance to a reduced pace, and allow friendships to evolve gradually, creating space to evaluate the trustworthiness and safety of each new relationship.
Slowing down fosters resilience and balance, helping you establish boundaries that support your emotional well-being.
Using Modern Tools to Meet New Friends
As you rebuild your social circle, modern tools can be incredibly helpful in connecting with like-minded people.
Apps like Bumble BFF offer a platform for creating platonic friendships.
While originally designed for dating, Bumble BFF's friend-focused option is a simple way to connect with others in a low-pressure environment.
You may be surprised by how many people are also seeking genuine connections outside their typical social circles.
Here are some other tools and platforms for meeting new friends:
- Meetup.com: Find groups in your area centered around hobbies, interests, or personal growth topics.
- Friend-finding apps: Apps like Friender or Patook (this is not an endorsement) are designed specifically for creating friendships rather than romantic relationships.
- Local Classes or Workshops: Community centers, local gyms, or educational programs offer opportunities to meet people in shared-interest settings.
Rebuilding Your Post-Religion Social Life
Rebuilding your social network after leaving a religious group offers a unique opportunity to form relationships based on who you are at your core—not on the requirements or expectations of your former group.
This journey, while challenging, allows you to connect deeply with people who respect your individuality —they like to for YOU.
Remember to be patient, take small steps, and stay open to new possibilities.
As you practice taking small, mindful steps toward connection, you'll gradually form friendships that resonate deeply, free from your old, coercive belief systems.
What To Do Next:
We covered quite a bit of information in this article. If you’re wondering what to do next, consider the following…
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One thing I would definitely encourage you to do is to check out my private Facebook group for folks recovering from religious harm and spiritual abuse:
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Disclaimer:
This blog post shares insights from my clinical experience & professional education in exploring key topics related to religious harm recovery. However, it is not intended as academic writing or formal research. For more information, please see the full disclaimer.
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