Spotting Religious Narcissism {+ How to Protect Yourself}

We see a lot of narcissism in high control religions.

But narcissism in these settings is not always easy to detect because of the ways these religious groups actually tend to foster narcissistic traits in people.

Not only this, but high control religions will sometimes even frame narcissistic traits as positives — especially in the case of covert narcissism.

In this article, we’re going to be taking a deeper dive into the topic of religious narcissism.

And we’re also going to review a few strategies you can use to navigate interactions with folks who are displaying narcissistic behaviors.

The term “narcissism” is another one of those terms that’s come to be thrown around quite loosely in every day conversation.

“He’s such a narcissist”

“I can’t handle her narcissism.”

Yet, more often than not, when we use such phrases, we’re not referring to clinical narcissism.

We’re simply referring to a person who may be more self-absorbed or egotistical than we’d like.

What’s important to understand is that true clinical narcissism is a personality disorder.

It is not an adjective we should be casually using to describe people who are simply thoughtless or who have a high opinion of themselves.

Diagnostic Criteria for Narcissism

Let’s quickly go over the criteria for narcissism.

According to the National Library of Medicine (2023), here are the criteria for narcissistic personality disorder:

• Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements, expects to be recognized as superior without actually completing the achievements)
  
  
• Is preoccupied with fantasies of success, power, brilliance, beauty, or perfect love.
  
  
• Believes that they are “special” and can only be understood by or should only associate with other special people (or institutions).
  
  
• Requires excessive admiration.
  
  
• Has a sense of entitlement, such as an unreasonable expectation of favorable treatment or compliance with his or her expectations).
  
  
• Is exploitative and takes advantage of others to achieve their own ends.
  
  
• Lacks empathy and is unwilling to identify with the needs of others.
  
  
• Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of them.
  
  
• Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors and attitudes

Read the full overview of the condition HERE.

Two Types of Narcissism

The above criteria can present in two different ways, depending on the person.

Overt Narcissism

The first type (and the one we most commonly think of) is overt or “grandiose” narcissism.

This type is characterized by being outgoing, charming, and having a need to be the center of attention.

Overt narcissists tend to have an inflated sense of self-importance and are often described as “full of themselves.”

While they may come across as confident and self-assured, this is often a way of masking underlying insecurities.

Covert Narcissism

The second type is covert or “vulnerable” narcissism.

This type of narcissist tends to be more introverted and may even appear shy or socially anxious.

Covert narcissists also meet the above diagnostic criteria, but the way their narcissism manifests are often more subtle than overt narcissists.

For example, they may use self-deprecation or guilt-tripping to gain validation from others.

They may also have a victim mentality and constantly seek sympathy and attention from others.

Overall, covert narcissists tend to be more manipulative in their relationships than overt narcissists.

How I Prefer to Talk About Narcissism

No one should be “diagnosing” people as narcissists unless they actually have the credentials to do so.

And even then, they should only be referring to someone as a narcissist once they have collected adequate data to make that determination.

In my practice with survivors of religious harm, it’s much more common for me to work with folks who are the victims of narcissistic behavior — not so much the people demonstrating narcissistic behavior.

In my work with victims of narcissistic abuse, I tend to point out the behavior or traits someone is exhibiting rather than saying “that person is a narcissist.”

This allows us to discuss the impact of the behaviors and to develop strategies for coping and setting boundaries even if we don’t know for sure whether they meet the clinical criteria for narcissistic personality disorder.

Based on my personal experience with fundamentalist evangelical christianity and in my professional work with survivors of religious trauma, I’ve seen the many ways that high control religions allow narcissism to flourish.

This is because these religious groups tend to both foster narcissistic traits in their members and attract people with narcissistic traits to their churches.

Here are some of the reasons for this:

• High control religions tend to teach followers that they are special, chosen, or saved, which can lead to a sense of entitlement.
  
  
• These religious groups often promote strict rules and regulations, creating a hierarchy that supports superiority and judgmental attitudes.
  
  
• Leaders of high control religions often demand extreme loyalty and obedience, which can lead to a sense of grandiosity among those in positions of authority.
  
  
• Those who question or challenge the beliefs or actions of the group are often labeled as “dissenters” or “rebels,” and are ostracized or even punished for their lack of compliance. This reinforces the idea that the group’s beliefs and actions are always right, creating a sense of superiority and infallibility among its members.
  
  
• The emphasis on conformity within high control religions can also lead to a lack of empathy and an inability to understand or consider different perspectives.

These factors come together to create an environment that is ripe for nurturing narcissistic traits or tendencies.

And unfortunately, this can lead to harmful behaviors both within the religious group and in personal relationships outside of it.

As mentioned above, overt narcissism, often referred to as grandiose narcissism, is characterized by overt expressions of self-importance, a strong sense of entitlement, and a constant need for attention and admiration.

Here’s how this may look in a religious setting:

• They position themselves as ‘spiritual elites’, claiming to have unique insights or revelations that others do not possess.
  
  
• They may exert dominance in religious discussions, insisting that their interpretations or understanding of religious texts are the most accurate or enlightened.
  
  
• In group settings, they may constantly seek to be the center of attention, often by sharing grandiose testimonies or spiritual experiences that exalt them above others.
  
  
• They might harshly criticize or demean others who do not share their beliefs, asserting that their religious views are the only ‘correct’ ones.
  
  
• They may display a lack of empathy, disregarding the feelings or experiences of others if they don’t align with their own narratives.
  
  
• Lastly, they often exhibit a strong sense of entitlement, expecting preferential treatment due to their perceived religious prowess or status.

Here are a couple more traits worth highlighting.

Folks demonstrating narcissistic traits in high control religious groups often exhibit an incessant need to control.

This is why high control groups both attract this type of personality as well as foster these problematic traits in folks who might not otherwise behave this way.

Additionally, they’ll often use coercive tactics, such as emotional blackmail or guilt-tripping, to bend others to their will, especially within a religious context where they can weaponize faith and belief.

If you’ve read my article What is a High Control Religion? then you know coercion and control are the primary characteristics of these groups.

Covert narcissism, also known as vulnerable narcissism, is a subtler form of narcissism characterized by hypersensitivity, defensiveness, and a constant need for reassurance.

Unlike their overt counterparts, people with traits of covert narcissism often come across as shy, introverted, or overly sensitive.

But despite their seemingly humble demeanor, they harbor grandiose fantasies and feel entitled to special treatment, although they are rarely outwardly open about this.

While their need for admiration is less apparent, it is equally intense as that of someone with traits of grandiose narcissism.

They often perceive themselves as victims, misunderstood by the world, and they may react with hostility or withdrawal when their expectations aren’t met.

• They tend to play the role of victim or martyr within the group, using their perceived sufferings as a way to gain attention and sympathy from others.
  
  
• They can show intense jealousy or resentment towards others who receive recognition or praise within the religious setting, feeling they are equally if not more deserving.
  
  
• They might seek constant reassurance of their religious devotion, often requiring affirmation from others about their spiritual insight or commitment.
  
  
• They may also harbor grandiose fantasies of religious superiority, imagining themselves as religious saviors or enlightened beings, but might not express these fantasies outwardly.
  
  
• They’ll likely use religiosity as a way to manipulate or control others, using religious beliefs and practices to gain power and influence over others.
  
  
• They may also exploit the goodwill of others within the religious community, taking advantage of their generosity or willingness to help.

Also worth noting, people with traits of covert narcissism may manipulate religious doctrines to exert control over others.

They may weaponize spirituality through fear, guilt, or shame, creating a power dynamic where they position themselves as the spiritual authority.

This form of coercion often goes unnoticed as it is subtly woven into religious interactions.

Ultimately, people with this particular personality characteristic uses religion not as a means of personal growth or connection, but as a tool for personal gain and control.

The most important thing to do is to escape religious settings that attract and foster narcissism because these settings are inherently damaging to your mental health and emotional well-being.

The problem is, lots of folks still end up having to contend with religious folks with narcissistic traits because of relationships that might continue even outside of the religious setting (as in the case of a family member or co-worker).

Once you’ve identified that someone appears to be exhibiting narcissistic traits, there are a few things you can (and should) do to protect yourself.

1. Set Boundaries

The first step in protecting yourself from any form of abuse (including narcissistic abuse) is setting clear boundaries.

Establish what is acceptable behavior and what is not, and find a way to communicate those boundaries to the person who is exhibiting problematic behavior.

Be aware, though, that a true narcissist thrives on manipulation and control, and it will probably be difficult for them to respect your boundaries.

So be prepared to be firm but consistent in enforcing your boundaries and do not back down when they try to push against them.

If boundary setting is something you tend to struggle with, then I recommend you check out this article:

2. Use the “Gray Rock” Method

The “Gray Rock” method is a technique that involves becoming emotionally unresponsive to their attempts to provoke or manipulate you.

By remaining emotionally neutral and non-reactive, you are denying them their desired reaction and therefore taking away their power over you.

This doesn’t mean ignoring the person completely (which can actually backfire), but rather choosing not to engage with them emotionally and avoiding giving them any kind of emotional response.

3. Continue Educating Yourself

Knowledge is power, and when it comes to dealing with narcissism, the more you know about common behavior patterns and tactics, the better equipped you will be to protect yourself.

Continue educating yourself on the topic by reading articles and books and watching videos that are dedicated to this topic.

I always recommend Dr. Ramani’s YouTube channel because she has specialized in the topic of narcissism and is an absolute wealth of knowledge.

4. Seek Support

Finally, make sure you’re connecting with others who “get it.”

Dealing with someone who exhibits narcissistic traits can be extremely draining and even traumatic.

And if your experience with this person is connected to your own religious indoctrination, it’s even more important for you to access support from people who understand the unique interplay between religion and narcissism.

Dealing with someone who’s exhibiting either covert or overt narcissistic traits can be incredibly challenging, and it’s even more complicated when religion is involved.

But remember that you are not alone in this experience, and there are resources available to help.

Keep educating yourself, setting boundaries, and seeking support – and know that your well-being is the most important thing.