8 Unexpected Consequences of Purity Culture Marriages
My first marriage was a “purity culture marriage.”
Shortly after our “I do’s,” we began encountering problems, especially around sex and intimacy.
I was filled with confusion, shame, and self-blame because this wasn’t what had been promised for those who “waited for the one god had for them.”
Even though we had both followed a model that promised a rewarding outcome, reality did not at all match my expectations.
I felt lost because the issues we faced were never discussed in church or in the Christian literature I had voraciously consumed to "prepare" for marriage.
This left me feeling terribly isolated because I had no idea who to turn to for support or guidance.
In the end, I stayed in a marriage for 6 years that probably should have been dissolved with an annulment shortly after the wedding night.
What is a "Purity Culture Marriage"?
A purity culture marriage is when two people who have been indoctrinated into purity culture enter into holy matrimony together.
Abstinence before marriage, rigid gender roles, and a limited view of sexuality are the core components of purity culture teachings.
Folks with this type of indoctrination will generally focus on finding a spouse who shares the same religious values and has stayed "pure" before marriage.
In fact, the focus is almost entirely on sexual purity, with little thought given to compatibility in personality, interests, or long-term lifestyle goals beyond raising a "godly" family.
As a result, many purity culture marriages lack a foundation of emotional, psychological or sexual compatibility, which can lead to various problems later on.
The Harmful Effects of Purity Culture Marriages
If you've experienced purity culture indoctrination, you're likely aware of some of the complex challenges it can create later on down the road (or, as in my case, as soon as you get to the honeymoon suite).
Let's go over eight potential consequences of purity culture marriages that many people, including myself, have experienced.
1. Lack of Sexual Self-Awareness
Purity culture discourages people from exploring their own sexuality, leaving them disconnected from their bodies and desires when entering marriage.
The belief that sexual expression is only allowed within marriage hinders sexual self-awareness, which is essential for healthy intimacy.
For many, the shift to marital sex brings confusion and uncertainty.
They may find it hard to express their needs or feel guilty for having desires they were taught to suppress.
This lack of self-understanding can create emotional distance between partners, as neither may fully grasp or be able to communicate their desires or boundaries.
In some cases, people may not even realize their true sexual orientation or gender identity until they are already locked into in a heteronormative, traditional marriage.
2. Shame Around Sex and Intimacy
Purity culture indoctrination result in internalized shame around sex and intimacy.
Because people indoctrinated with purity culture principles often learn that their worth is tied to sexual purity, many end up feeling guilty about enjoying physical intimacy, even with their spouse.
This deep-rooted shame can show up as anxiety about sexual performance, feeling guilty for wanting pleasure, or being uncomfortable with their own body.
These feelings can become obstacles to a healthy sexual relationship, leading to emotional distance and unhappiness between partners.
Even after marriage, many struggle to shake off the idea that sex is inherently wrong or dirty.
If couples don't address the shame that purity culture instills, they often end up feeling emotionally and physically disconnected, which makes it hard for them to fully enjoy intimacy as a source of joy and connection in their relationship.
3. Strict Gender Roles
Purity culture pushes strict gender roles that can hold back personal growth and equal partnerships.
In these marriages, men are often seen as the ones who make decisions and lead spiritually, while women are expected to follow, often giving up their own emotional and relational needs to keep the peace or fulfill their "biblical" roles.
This uneven dynamic can create resentment and frustration, especially for women, who might feel like their voice and wants are ignored.
These set roles also limit men, who might feel pressured to be strong and in control all the time, making it hard for them to be emotionally open with their partners.
As time goes on, these fixed roles can create an imbalance that makes it hard to talk openly, understand each other, and build a real partnership.
Both partners' emotional and psychological needs often get overlooked, leaving them feeling unfulfilled.
4. Limited Sexual Expression
Purity culture imposes rigid boundaries on what is considered acceptable sexual behavior, even within the context of marriage.
Some might call this a "vanilla" version of sexuality and sexual expression.
This narrow view of human sexuality leaves little room for the diversity of desires and preferences that many folks naturally experience.
Those who crave variety in their sexual expression—whether through different forms of intimacy, role play, or even the exploration of "taboo" interests—can feel suppressed and ashamed.
Because purity culture prohibits practices like watching porn, engaging in kink, or experimenting with new forms of sexual behavior, couples may avoid conversations about sexual preferences altogether, fearing judgment or rejection from their partner.
This suppression of authentic desire and avoidance of open communication can lead to deep emotional and physical dissatisfaction, with one or both partners feeling disconnected and misunderstood.
5. Unrealistic Expectations of Marriage and Sex
Purity culture paints an unrealistic picture of marriage, promising that staying "pure" before the wedding day guarantees a blissful union.
Couples are told that if they don't have sex before marriage, they'll have a perfect relationship and amazing sex once they tie the knot.
But when real-life marriage issues pop up - like not clicking in the bedroom, emotional struggles, or everyday ups and downs - many folks feel completely caught off guard.
The gap between what they expected and what they're actually experiencing can leave them feeling let down, confused, and even angry.
Some people end up feeling like failures because they can't live up to the perfect marriage they were promised.
These unrealistic expectations put pressure on couples to pretend everything's great, instead of openly talking about and working through their real problems.
Without any guidance on how to handle the natural challenges that come with marriage, many people find themselves feeling disconnected from their partner and disillusioned by the relationship.
6. Difficulties with Consent and Boundaries
One of the most concerning aspects of purity culture is how it fails to teach about consent and healthy boundaries in relationships.
In purity culture teachings, the idea of consent - where both partners freely express their needs and limits - is often overlooked.
Instead, the focus tends to be on the wife taking on the role of “meeting her husband’s needs” in the bedroom.
This lack of education about consent leaves many people unprepared to recognize, set, or communicate their own boundaries.
When one partner feels they must meet the other's “needs” without being able to set limits or boundaries, it can create a dynamic that perpetuates feelings of powerlessness and resentment.
Furthermore, the absence of discussions about consent can lead to harmful situations where pressure or coercion becomes normalized.
Sadly, marital rape is a common issue in some purity culture marriages.
This happens because teachings that place a husband's authority over his wife's autonomy undermine the critical understanding that both partners must freely and enthusiastically agree to any and all sexual activities.
This gap in awareness and communication fosters a sense of helplessness, especially for women, who may believe their role is to comply rather than participate equally in a shared, consensual relationship.
7. Emotional Suppression and Avoiding Conflict
Purity culture indoctrination almost always occurs within the context of a high control religions, which teach that "negative" emotions like anger or sadness are sinful or disruptive.
Because negative emotions are avoided, couples are ill-equipped to navigate difficult conversations, especially around sex, gender roles, or unmet needs.
Avoiding these tough talks inevitably builds tension, causing emotional distance and disconnection.
Over time the relationship may begin to feel shallow and disconnected as unresolved issues pile up.
As you might expect, this emotional shutdown makes it hard for couples to form deeper bonds, trapping them in a marriage that values the appearance of harmony over true intimacy.
8. Poor Sexual Health Outcomes
Purity culture's focus on abstinence and lack of comprehensive sex education leaves many people unprepared to manage their sexual health, either pre or post-marriage.
Couples often enter marriage with little understanding of contraception, family planning, or sexual health, which can lead to unplanned pregnancies or confusion about basic bodily anatomy.
In some cases, this lack of education results in health issues going unaddressed, sometimes with devastating consequences.
Without a clear understanding of their own body or their partner's body, couples may also experience confusion or shame in instances of health-related sexual performance difficulties.
And because of internalized shame around the topic of human sexuality, folks may avoid seeking help from professionals or discuss sexual concerns with their partner, resulting in feelings of isolation and even hopelessness.
Resources I Recommend to Begin Recovering
If you're in an unsatisfying or unhealthy purity culture marriage, it's okay to question the beliefs you were raised with.
Healing is a process, and there are steps you can take to reclaim your autonomy and rebuild a healthier understanding of relationships, sex, and intimacy.
Here are a few resources that offer valuable insight into building healthy relationships and developing a healthy, shame-free view of sex and intimacy:
Emily Nagoski
Emily Nagoski is an expert in sexual health and relationships.
Her work offers valuable insights into sexual self-awareness, desire, and overcoming shame.
Esther Perel
Esther Perel is a relationship therapist who explores the intricacies of love, infidelity, and desire.
Her work is especially helpful for understanding emotional intimacy and conflict resolution in relationships.
John and Julie Gottman
The Gottman Institute provides research-backed advice on how to cultivate healthy relationships through communication, respect, and mutual support.
Their work is an excellent resource for couples looking to rebuild trust and intimacy.
Overcoming Religious Indoctrination in Relationships
One of the most important things to recognize is that you are not alone in this experience.
Many people who have been raised in high-control religions or purity culture struggle with the same issues around sex, intimacy, and self-identity.
It’s possible to move beyond these limitations and form a healthy, satisfying relationship that honors your true self.
Taking steps toward healing can include seeking therapy, engaging in honest conversations with your partner, and educating yourself on healthy sexuality and relationships.
The process of deconstructing purity culture's harmful teachings is not easy, but it is incredibly liberating.
What To Do Next:
We covered quite a bit of information in this article. If you’re wondering what to do next, consider the following…
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One thing I would definitely encourage you to do is to check out my private Facebook group for folks recovering from religious harm and spiritual abuse:
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Content Disclaimer:
This blog post shares insights from my clinical experience & professional education in exploring key topics related to religious harm recovery. However, it is not intended as academic writing or formal research. For more information, please see the full disclaimer.
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