Attachment Insecurity & Emotionally Neglectful Religious Parents
In my last post, I talked about how parents influenced by religious indoctrination often lean towards authoritarian parenting styles, which can lead their children to develop insecure attachment patterns.
Read it here: How Authoritarian Parenting Creates an Insecure Attachment Style
This week, we're looking at another way indoctrinated parents tend to show up: emotionally neglectful parenting.
While different from the rigid control of authoritarianism, emotional neglect can be just as damaging to a child's attachment.
What is Emotionally Neglectful Parenting?
Emotionally neglectful parenting happens when caregivers consistently fail to meet a child's emotional needs, often without realizing it.
Unlike obvious forms of abuse, emotional neglect is subtle and can go unnoticed for years, however, it can deeply affect a child's emotional growth and self-worth.
This form of neglect is especially common in high control religious households where emotional emotions are often suppressed — especially certain kinds of emotions.
Here’s the thing, emotionally neglectful parents might be physically present but they’re emotionally absent, leaving children feeling unseen and unheard.
For example, a child might come home excited to share a success from their day, only to be met with a distracted or indifferent response.
Or they may feel worried about something they heard in church and rather than offering reassurance, their parents views it as “god working on their heart,” and encourages their child to consider whether they have “sin” in their heart.
Over time, these interactions teach children that their emotions don't matter or that their parent isn’t available to them as a source of comfort and support, which eventually leads to feelings of unworthiness and the self-suppression of emotions.
Emotional Neglect in Religious Households
Dr. Lindsay Gibson, author of Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, explains that emotionally neglectful parenting often comes from a caregiver's inability to connect emotionally, which may be due to their own unresolved traumas or being emotionally neglected themselves.
However, in high control religions, these patterns of parental emotional neglect are often compounded by religious norms that ignore emotional connection between humans and instead emphasize spiritual practices that focus emotional energy on an authoritarian deity.
Additionally, in high control religions, emotional neglect is often made worse because these groups discourage self-exploration and emotional openness.
For example, expressions of doubt or fear might be dismissed as "lacking faith" or as failures in spiritual resilience.
This dynamic reinforces the belief that emotional needs are less important than spiritual obedience.
This is then transferred to children through Biblical (emotionally neglectful) parenting, which results in children learning to hide their feelings rather than process them openly and seek help.
Let’s go over some common examples of emotional neglect that children raised high control religions might experience.
“Outsourcing” Parenting to Religious Institutions
One common pattern is the tendency for indoctrinated parents to "outsource" their parenting responsibilities to religious institutions, spiritual leaders, or even deities.
Rather than offering direct emotional support, parents might tell children to "pray about it" or "give it to god" when they express struggles, fears, or doubts.
This type of parental outsourcing deprives children of essential emotional co-regulation, where caregivers help children process and understand their emotions.
Without this foundational support, children learn to suppress their feelings or turn to impersonal sources for comfort.
Ultimately, this lack of personal guidance leaves them feeling alone and unsupported during important experiences.
An Absence of Critical Conversations
Emotionally neglectful parenting also shows up in critical conversations (or the lack thereof).
For instance, instead of discussing sensitive topics like sex education directly with their children, many religious parents defer to youth leaders or church programs.
I, myself, received a book that explained how things worked between a “man and wife in marriage” but was 100% rooted in abstinence only education.
This avoidance creates a gap where children lack reliable guidance on important issues, resulting in confusion, a lack of bodily autonomy, and a weakened trust in their parents.
Because my mom was unable to have direct conversations with me about puberty or sexuality (other than “don’t have sex until marriage”), I knew I could not turn to her as questions arose during my adolescent development.
This lack of open engagement and guidance fails to equip children with a secure sense of self and personal agency.
Dismissing Emotions as "Unspiritual" or "Sinful"
In many religiously controlled households, emotions are often labeled as unspiritual or even sinful.
Feelings of anger, doubt, or sadness may be met with instructions to "have more faith" or "pray harder," implying that these emotions reflect a moral or spiritual failing.
This may be especially true for children experience anxiety or depression (probably caused or exacerbated by the religion itself).
Because parents indoctrinated into the authoritarian religious groups are often suspicious of mental health care, their children miss out on needed support and intervention during critical stages of childhood development.
And over time, they may even learn to view their emotions as flaws that need to be hidden or "fixed" through faith practices, rather than understanding these emotions as natural parts of being human.
Even after reaching adulthood, you may not feel like the state of your mental health is something that warrants the care and attention of a helping professional, so you go on suffering in silence for years without proper support.
Over-Emphasis on Independence and Self-Sufficiency
Children in emotionally neglectful religious households are often pushed toward self-sufficiency at an early age, encouraged to "give their troubles to God" rather than seeking comfort from their parents.
Further, these families often have multiple children — too many for the parents to individually attend to.
So older children are put in pseudo-parenting roles over younger children.
This leads not only to the emotional neglect and parentification of the older children, but the younger children miss on critical connection and attunement from their parent as well.
No matter how much the older child loves the younger child, they are not developmentally capable of meeting another child’s attachment needs.
In general, while self-reliance can be a valuable skill, forcing it too early can create a damaging independence trap.
This excessive push toward independence denies children the chance to experience healthy dependence and emotional co-regulation with caregivers.
As a result, they may struggle with vulnerability and emotional connection in adult relationships, fearing that any reliance on others signals weakness or failure.
3 Types of Insecure Attachment Styles
The types of emotional neglect discussed above can have a significantly negative impact on attachment patterns, often leading to insecure attachments that persist into adulthood.
Let’s go over how emotional neglect in childhood contributes to these insecure attachment patterns.
Anxious Attachment
Children who experience emotional neglect may feel they have to "earn" affection and attention, leading to an anxious attachment pattern.
This often results in a persistent fear of abandonment and rejection, prompting them to seek approval from others.
As adults, they might continuously worry that they're "not enough," finding it challenging to establish secure, fulfilling relationships.
This attachment pattern aligns with Dr. Jonice Webb's concept of Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) as described in her book Running on Empty.
Webb explains that children who experience emotional neglect often struggle with feelings of inadequacy and low self-worth.
These people are highly sensitive to perceived slights or rejections, further reinforcing their anxiety within personal relationships.
Avoidant Attachment
Conversely, some children develop an avoidant attachment pattern, learning to shut down emotionally to protect themselves from disappointment.
This can result in adults who prefer self-reliance, fearing that vulnerability will lead to pain or rejection.
They may distance themselves emotionally from others and avoid deep connections, believing that they can only rely on themselves.
This emotional withdrawal can lead to difficulty expressing feelings or seeking support, a pattern observed by Dr. Webb in people who grew up with emotionally unavailable parents.
These folks may feel uncomfortable expressing their needs, convinced that others will ultimately let them down.
Disorganized Attachment
A less common but often severe result of emotionally neglectful parenting is disorganized attachment.
This occurs when a child's caregiver is both a source of comfort and fear.
Children in these situations experience an unpredictable dynamic, where their caregiver's responses are inconsistent or even frightening.
This can create confusion and internal conflict, as the child doesn't know how to seek safety.
We often see this disorganization in parents that have significant underlying mental health issues of their own, causing them to interact with their children in erratic or unpredictable ways.
One day the may be “high on the holy spirt,” effusive, affectionate and loving.
And the next, they may be wildly despondent due to perceived sinfulness or feeling “far from god,” leading them to completely withdraw from their child or even lash out in emotionally volatile ways.
The child becomes unable to determine “which parent” they’ll get on any given day, so they may long for closeness while also deeply fearing it.
As adults, people with disorganized attachment may find themselves in tumultuous relationships, experiencing cycles of push and pull, where they deeply desire connection yet struggle to trust or feel safe with others.
The Lasting Impact on Adult Relationships
If you grew up in an emotionally neglectful home, you might notice how these patterns now show up in your adult relationships.
You may find it hard to express your needs, feel uneasy asking for support, or worry about being a burden when you share your emotions.
These challenges often come from deep-rooted beliefs that your feelings don't matter or aren't worthy of others' attention.
As a result, you might feel lonely or disconnected, even when surrounded by people who care about you.
This isolation can be especially painful, as it often stems from a belief that you don't deserve affection, care, or emotional understanding.
You may feel like others could never truly get your inner world, leading you to hide your feelings or keep your guard up.
The "Independence Trap" and Emotional Isolation
Children who experienced emotional neglect often learn to be very self-reliant, as their parents rarely met their emotional needs with care or understanding.
This self-sufficiency can become an "independence trap" in adulthood.
By focusing so much on being independent, you might avoid being vulnerable or refuse to lean on others, even when you really need support.
While being self-reliant can help you survive, it can also lead to feeling emotionally alone, as the walls you've built to protect yourself end up keeping others at a distance.
Dr. Lindsay Gibson, in her work on emotionally immature parents, describes how children of these parents often grow up to "emotionally quarantine" themselves.
As adults, this might look like hesitating to connect deeply with others or avoiding close relationships out of fear of rejection or misunderstanding.
While this may feel safer, it keeps the cycle of loneliness going, where meaningful connections stay out of reach because of the protective stance taken to avoid potential hurt.
Fear of Rejection and Being On High Alert in Relationships
Children who experienced emotional neglect often feel like they have to earn love and attention, rather than receiving it freely.
This belief can lead to always being on high alert in relationships, where you constantly look for signs that others might lose interest, leave, or reject you.
A simple delay in response from a friend or a slight change in a partner's tone can feel scary, triggering worry and self-doubt.
For some, this high-alert state shows up as "people-pleasing" behaviors, where you put others' needs first to feel worthy of their love and approval.
Or, you might find yourself pulling away or shutting down to protect yourself, creating distance before others can reject you.
Dr. Jonice Webb's work shows how people who experienced emotional neglect often struggle with harsh self-criticism and fears of not being good enough, which keeps this pattern of self-protection going.
Self-Doubt and Trouble with Boundaries
A key effect of emotional neglect is self-doubt.
When your emotions weren't acknowledged or validated in childhood, it's natural to question whether your feelings and needs are valid as an adult.
This self-doubt can make it hard to set and keep boundaries.
You might worry that speaking up for your needs will push others away or make them see you as "difficult" or "too sensitive."
As a result, you may push your own needs aside to keep things peaceful, avoid possible conflict, or make sure others are comfortable—even when it comes at a cost to you.
This struggle with boundaries can leave you feeling resentful or overwhelmed, as you keep giving without getting the understanding or care you really need in return.
Healing from Emotional Neglect
If this sounds familiar, know that healing is possible.
Here are some steps that can help you reconnect with your inner child and build healthier attachment patterns:
1. Validate Your Feelings
Acknowledge that your feelings are valid and worth expressing.
Dr. Webb highlights that validating your emotions is key to countering the internalized neglect from childhood.
Remind yourself that your emotional experiences are real, important, and deserve attention.
2. Practice Self-Compassion
Developing self-compassion can help rewrite the stories you've internalized about not being worthy.
Speak kindly to yourself, especially when you feel vulnerable or emotional.
Think about how you'd comfort a friend or a young child, and offer that same gentleness to yourself.
3. Engage in Inner Child Work
Inner child work involves revisiting and nurturing the neglected parts of yourself that still carry childhood pain.
This could mean imagining what your younger self needed from a caregiver and providing that support now as an adult.
Working with a therapist skilled in attachment theory or Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy can be particularly helpful, offering tools to compassionately engage with your inner child.
4. Building Supportive Relationships
Surrounding yourself with supportive, emotionally available people can reinforce healthier attachment behaviors.
Practicing vulnerability in safe relationships is a gradual process, but it can help shift the patterns that once reinforced emotional neglect.
Nurturing Secure Attachments in Adulthood
Healing from emotionally neglectful experiences often involves building a secure attachment with yourself first.
This can mean creating boundaries that protect your emotional well-being, fostering relationships with people who validate and understand you, and practicing self-advocacy by openly expressing your needs in relationships.
Additional Resources for Support
- Books: Running on Empty by Dr. Jonice Webb and Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Dr. Lindsay Gibson.
- Therapy: Find a therapist trained in attachment recovery or IFS to guide you through reconnecting with your emotional needs and re-parenting your wounded inner child.
- Support Networks: Consider joining support groups for people recovering from high-control religions or religious trauma (link to my group below). These communities can provide camaraderie, resources, and understanding of shared experiences.
Closing Thoughts
Understanding the long-term effects of emotionally neglectful parenting is a key step in the recovery process.
While he journey of healing can be challenging, it's also incredibly rewarding as you learn to embrace the parts of yourself that were neglected.
In time, you really can develop a secure sense of self, foster healthier relationships, and live with a renewed sense of emotional fulfillment.
What To Do Next:
We covered quite a bit of information in this article. If you’re wondering what to do next, consider the following…
Join the Group:
One thing I would definitely encourage you to do is to check out my private Facebook group for folks recovering from religious harm and spiritual abuse:
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Most importantly you’ll want to make sure you’re on my email list.
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Disclaimer:
This blog post shares insights from my clinical experience & professional education in exploring key topics related to religious harm recovery. However, it is not intended as academic writing or formal research. For more information, please see the full disclaimer.
Read more about Childhood Indoctrination:
