How Authoritarian Parenting Creates an Insecure Attachment Style
Recognizing how religion negatively impacted my life was the first step in my religious harm recovery journey.
For many, recognizing the significant impact harmful religious teachings have had on all areas of our lives can feel overwhelming.
However, the second step can feel even more overwhelming — coming to terms with all the ways this harm was also interwoven with our family of origin experiences.
Here’s what I feel is not discussed enough — that growing up with indoctrinated parents can lead to their children developing an insecure attachment style.
While this connection is often overlooked when discussing religious trauma, it's vital that we address it because attachment work is often essential to your healing and recovery process.
How we're raised, especially our earliest experiences with primary attachment figures, sets the stage for everything that follows.
And it’s this aspect of religious harm (being raised by religiously indoctrinated parents) that can continue to create challenges long after we've "deconstructed" and felt we've dealt with the religious aspect of the trauma.
In today's post, I'm discussing authoritarian parenting—a style common in many religious households—and how it often leads to insecure attachment styles that persist into adulthood.
How Authoritarian Parenting Looks Religious Homes
Authoritarian parenting, often called "biblical discipline" in religious circles, is characterized by rigid rules, harsh discipline, and an emphasis on obedience.
Parents who use this style see themselves as enforcers of strict moral guidelines, often using fear and punishment to ensure compliance.
In these homes, behaviors and emotions natural for children—like frustration, tantrums, or sadness—may be labeled as "sin" or signs of a "sin nature."
As a result, children growing up in authoritarian households can experience immense confusion, shame, and fear.
Unfortunately, when their emotions are met with harsh discipline, they learn to suppress their feelings and engage in performative behaviors, which can have long-lasting effects on their emotional health and relationships for years to come.
Let’s go over some of the most common forms of authoritarian parenting looks in religious homes.
Strict Discipline Based on Biblical Teachings
Authoritarian parents often rely heavily on strict disciplinary methods, interpreting biblical scriptures as mandates for controlling children's behavior.
For example, they might use Proverbs 13:24, which states, "He who spares the rod hates his son," as justification for corporal punishment.
This approach can lead to a culture of fear where children associate discipline with love and approval.
This form of discipline also veers directly into the realm of physical abuse, although because spanking has been a culturally acceptable form of discipline for generations, most people are unable or unwilling to see it as the abusive behavior that it really is.
Emphasis on Obedience over Understanding
Parents influenced by the teachings of figures like James Dobson may prioritize blind obedience over critical thinking.
They may encourage children to follow rules without questioning their reasoning or purpose, teaching that questioning authority equates to rebellion against God.
My “strong willed” readers will know what I’m talking about here.
This approach to parenting suppresses children's natural curiosity, discourages them from developing independent thought, and robs them of personal agency.
Public and Private Religious Shaming
Authoritarian parents may use shaming to foster obedience—both publicly and privately—as a means to control and correct their children’s behavior.
Public shaming often involves pointing out a child’s perceived faults or moral failings in front of family, church members, or community gatherings, using social pressure to enforce compliance.
For example, parents might mention poor grades, disobedience, or “sinful” behavior, believing the embarrassment will prevent future misconduct.
In private, parents may also use similar tactics, rebuking a child for emotions or thoughts they deem “sinful,” fostering internalized shame and fear of disapproval that stifles emotional growth and self-acceptance.
Use of Guilt and Manipulation
Authoritarian parents often use religious manipulation to control their children's behavior.
They suggest that not meeting parental expectations is like offending God, creating a link between obedience and divine approval.
This manipulation uses a child's desire to please both parents and deity, increasing the emotional impact of any perceived disobedience.
For example, these parents might say, "If you truly loved God, you would obey me without question," or "God is disappointed when you disobey your parents."
These statements use a child's spiritual beliefs and need for parental approval as a tool for compliance.
This approach reinforces the parent's authority and creates a sense of guilt and spiritual inadequacy in the child when they fail to meet expectations.
Rigid Gender Roles and Expectations
Authoritarian parenting in religious homes often comes with an expectation of strict adherence to traditional gender roles.
For instance, daughters may be taught to prioritize submissiveness and domestic duties, while sons may be encouraged to be authoritarian figures themselves — “godly leaders” if you will.
This can restrict children's freedom to explore their identities and interests, creating a sense of inadequacy if they fail to conform.
This may also result in more significant trauma as a child develops and comes to realize their sexual orientation or gender identify does not align with their parents’ expectations.
In authoritarian homes, the response to sexual diversity of often cruelty and perhaps even shunning.
Isolation from Secular Influences
Authoritarian parents often have strict rules about what media their children may interact with and what types of “influences” they’re allowed to be around.
Often they isolate their children from “secular” influences, including media, peer groups, and educational content that contradicts their religious beliefs.
This can create a bubble where children are only exposed to specific ideologies, limiting their social skills and ability to navigate diverse perspectives.
It also ensures that children grow up without an awareness of the emotional, spiritual and maybe even physical abuse they are experiences because within this carefully curated echo chamber, it all seem “normal.”
Fear of Hell and Punishment
Many authoritarian parents instill a fear of hell as a form of control, suggesting that disobedience not only leads to earthly consequences but also spiritual ones.
They might also threaten that their children with a fear of being “left behind” when the rapture comes because their behavior on any given day.
“If Jesus comes back tonight, your dad and I will get taken up to heaven, but you’ll get left behind because [insert recent behavior].”
This can lead to children experiencing constant anxiety about their moral standing and relationship with God, as they feel they must be "perfect" to avoid eternal punishment.
How Authoritarian Parenting Affects Attachment Styles
In authoritarian homes, children struggle to express their emotions or needs due to the criticism, rejection, or punishment they often face.
This can lead to the development of two common forms of insecure attachment styles: anxious attachment and avoidant attachment.
Anxious Attachment
In homes where "honor thy father and mother" means never questioning authority, children may become hypervigilant.
They constantly scan their surroundings to avoid punishment or disapproval.
This hyper-vigilance can lead them to become overly compliant or clingy, fearing punishment or divine consequences for any perceived misstep.
As adults, these folks may struggle with people-pleasing tendencies, finding it difficult to set boundaries or express their needs in relationships.
They often grapple with the question, "Who am I?" because, in their quest for stability, they may have adapted to become what others want or need, completely negating any connection to their own wants and needs.
Avoidant Attachment
On the other hand, some children learn that keeping an emotional distance is safer.
They may grow up believing it's essential to trust god to meet all their needs or that seeking comfort from others is a sign of emotional or spiritual weakness.
This belief fosters a reliance on themselves, leading them to view vulnerability as an unacceptable risk.
While praised for their "maturity" or "independence," this independence often stems from emotional survival rather than genuine confidence.
As adults, people with avoidant attachment may prioritize self-sufficiency over emotional intimacy, which can make it challenging to connect deeply with others.
They might form relationships based on doing things for others but struggle to ask for help or rely on others for support.
Disorganized Attachment
In some authoritarian religious homes, the parenting style is so unpredictable or severe that children develop disorganized attachment, an insecure style marked by conflicting behaviors and intense inner turmoil.
Unlike anxious or avoidant attachment, disorganized attachment often arises when children experience a caregiver as both a source of comfort and fear.
For example, a parent may offer warmth one moment but switch to harsh punishment or extreme withdrawal the next, leaving the child uncertain of how to respond.
As adults, folks with disorganized attachment may struggle with chaotic relationship patterns, finding it difficult to trust others yet feeling desperate for connection.
This attachment style can lead to push-pull dynamics, where they seek closeness with others but then push them away out of fear.
Insecure Attachment Styles & Adult Relationships
Growing up in an authoritarian household can significantly impact how people relate to others in adulthood.
The attachment styles formed during childhood often show up in various ways within adult relationships, influencing both romantic partnerships and friendships.
This is relevant in varying degrees to all three of the insecure attachment style referenced above.
Communication Challenges
People raised in authoritarian homes often struggle to communicate their feelings effectively.
The fear of judgment or punishment instilled in them as children can carry over into adulthood, leading to difficulties in expressing emotions.
Difficulty Expressing Needs
Adults may find it hard to voice their needs or desires, often feeling that their thoughts are invalid or unworthy of attention.
This can lead to frustration and resentment in relationships, as partners may feel disconnected or unaware of their needs.
Conflict Avoidance
Many may also avoid conflict at all costs, fearing that disagreement will lead to punishment or rejection.
This avoidance can stifle healthy relationship dynamics, making it challenging to address issues openly.
As a result, unresolved tensions may build over time, leading to further emotional distance between partners.
Trust Issues
Insecure attachment styles stemming from authoritarian parenting often result in trust issues in adult relationships.
Hypervigilance
Those with anxious attachment may become overly sensitive to perceived signs of disapproval or abandonment.
This hypervigilance can create a cycle of anxiety in relationships, where people constantly seek reassurance from their partners.
This need for reassurance can place undue pressure on the relationship and create a sense of instability.
Fear of Vulnerability
On the other hand, people with avoidant attachment are more likely to struggle to let others in, fearing that vulnerability will lead to pain or rejection.
This fear can hinder the development of deeper emotional connections, leaving both partners feeling unfulfilled.
Their reluctance to share their inner world can prevent the creation of a safe, nurturing environment essential for intimacy.
Relationship Patterns
Childhood experiences with an authoritarian parent can also lead to recurring patterns in adult relationships that may be detrimental to personal well-being.
People-Pleasing Behaviors
Folks with an insecure attachment style may gravitate toward relationships where they feel compelled to please others at the expense of their own needs.
This dynamic can lead to one-sided relationships where their own well-being takes a backseat, resulting in feelings of resentment and burnout.
Over-Functioning
Folks may also become over-functioners, taking on excessive responsibility in relationships and feeling compelled to “fix” things for others.
This pattern can stem from a need for control or validation and can lead to emotional exhaustion, as they prioritize solving others' problems over addressing their own needs.
Healing from Attachment Insecurity
It's important to remember that attachment styles can change through self-awareness, therapy, and nurturing relationships.
While attachment wounds are often best healed in the context of stable attachment relationships, you might find it challenging to cultivate such connections, especially if you identify as having a disorganized attachment.
Working with a therapist who approaches therapy from an attachment-oriented perspective can help you heal childhood attachment wounds and move toward greater security.
Therapeutic approaches like Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) or Attachment-Based Therapy can be especially helpful in addressing these issues.
Internal family systems (”Parts Work”) is also an excellent therapeutic modality for all the attachment style because it provides an opportunity for essential re-parenting of the inner child.
And if you have disorganized attachment, parts work may be one of the least “threatening” therapy modalities because you’re really focussed on connecting with parts of yourself rather than developing a close connection with the therapist, which is sometimes the focus of attachment-based therapies.
Additionally, engaging in self-care practices, seeking out healthy relationships, and gradually allowing yourself to be vulnerable can create a supportive environment for healing.
Remember, it's never too late to rewrite your story and foster healthier relationships!
What To Do Next:
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Content Disclaimer:
This blog post shares insights from my clinical experience & professional education in exploring key topics related to religious harm recovery. However, it is not intended as academic writing or formal research. For more information, please see the full disclaimer.
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