4 Ways Children are Wounded by Authoritarian Parenting

I was raised in fundamentalist evangelical christianity, which is a religious cult.

And a big part of the indoctrination and control process of most religious cults is to influence parenting practices.

This is strategic.

You see, if the cult can influence how children are raised, then they will have a never-ending source of “true believers” to continue their work.

The primary model for parenting that my caregivers used was the work of James Dobson.

He espoused many harmful ideas and supported authoritarian parenting practices that are deeply wounding to children and to the attachment relationship.

While Dobson was a key figure in evangelicalism, there are plenty of other harmful parenting gurus out there who support authoritarian practices.

However, some religious cults don’t have a specific person or model they look to when it comes to parenting.

They simply pass down the “biblical” mandate to bring children into compliance with the doctrines of the religion, and they prioritize that above all else.

Regardless of the source, authoritarian parenting practices are harmful.

This article explores 4 specific ways the authoritarian parenting practices found in religious cults can create lasting wounds for children.

Children raised in religious cults with authoritarian parenting practices often develop a hyper-awareness of the needs and expectations of others.

This stems from the necessity of adhering to stringent norms and behaviors enforced within the religious cult.

Over time, they might develop a strong tendency towards people-pleasing and codependency, as their sense of safety in relationships becomes interwoven with their ability to meet others’ expectations.

We’re going to look at two common ways this tends to manifest: people-pleasing and codependency.

People-Pleasing

Authoritarian parenting, especially when it is reinforced by religious cult practices, often results in children developing a heightened sensitivity to the needs and expectations of others.

If you were raised in a religious cult, you may now find your self-worth has become directly tied to your ability to meet these expectations.

And this definitely cultivates a tendency towards people-pleasing behavior.

This is because, in such environments, any deviation from the set norms or expectations is met with strict punishment or disapproval.

Over time, you learned to suppress your own needs and desires in favor of conforming to the expectations imposed on you.

Most times these expectations initially come from authoritarian parents but then are later reinforced by the religious cult itself or even society at large.

Codependency

Closely related to people-pleasing is the development of codependent relationships.

Children raised in authoritarian environments often grow up without a healthy understanding of personal boundaries.

If you were raised in a religious cult, it's likely you were conditioned to believe that your value was determined by how well you could “serve” others and take care of others.

This mindset sets the stage for codependency in your future relationships, as your pattern for forming and maintaining connection has become transactional.

If this feels familiar, you’ll probably have found yourself deeply embedded in relationships where you give too much of yourself, often at the expense of your own mental and physical health.

A critical aspect of a child’s emotional development is having their feelings accurately reflected and validated by their caregivers.

In healthy environments, parents attune to their children’s emotions, helping them understand and identify what they’re feeling.

However, within the framework of an authoritarian parenting style this vital aspect of emotional attunement is frequently missing.

And if your parents consistently failed to attune to your feelings during childhood, it probably left you with an impaired understanding of your own emotional world.

This can lead to difficulties in:

Ultimately, this emotional neglect probably made it difficult for you to form a clear understanding of your “self.”

It may even have hampered your development of emotional intelligence — an essential skill for navigating social situations and relationships.

{This was definitely the case for me, although I’d like to think I “caught up” with the help of therapy and self-development resources.}

Authoritarian parenting, particularly when backed with the rigidity of religious cults, often results in an over-reliance on external validation.

This over-reliance on external validation results in a few trouble spots for people later on: constant striving, perfectionism, and imposter syndrome.

Constant Striving

If you were a child who grew up in an authoritarian household, you probably felt the pressure to meet high and often unattainable standards to gain approval or acceptance (even love) from your parents.

This stringent pattern of striving for approval ingrains a belief in you that worthiness must be ‘earned’.

Consequently, you may find yourself in constant pursuit of validation from others, even in adulthood.

And you may now feel that your value is defined by the praise or criticism of others, rather than intrinsic worth.

Over time, this can lead to persistent self-doubt, low self-esteem, and a never-ending cycle of seeking approval.

Perfectionism

Closely tied with the need for external validation is the relentless pursuit of perfection.

As mentioned above, children raised in religious cults often receive love and attention conditionally – based on their adherence to the strict rules and expectations set by their parents and other authority figures.

This creates a drive to be flawless, to meet every expectation, no matter how unrealistic, in a desperate attempt to earn approval and validation.

This pursuit of perfection can follow you into adulthood, pushing you to set impossibly high standards for yourself in all aspects of life.

It creates an internal pressure that triggers a fear of making mistakes, and a sense of failure over the smallest perceived flaw.

The inability to achieve this artificially constructed notion of ‘perfection’ can lead to immense stress, anxiety, and self-criticism, further deepening the original wounds inflicted by religious cults and authoritarian parenting.

Imposter Syndrome

Another common consequence of religious indoctrination and authoritarian parenting is imposter syndrome.

This is the persistent feeling of being a fraud, unworthy of success or recognition, despite evidence to the contrary.

Growing up in an environment where your worth is determined by external validation and strict adherence to expectations can leave you feeling like you are constantly deceiving those around you.

You may have been praised and rewarded for conforming to the beliefs and practices of your religious cult, but deep down, you may feel like you are living a lie.

This can create a sense of disconnection from your true self, leading to feelings of inadequacy and the fear of being exposed as an imposter.

A damaged sense of self-worth is an all-too-common emotional fallout from authoritarian parenting, particularly within the context of religious cults.

Parents in these environments often condition their children to believe that their worth is intrinsically tied to their adherence to the cult’s rules and expectations.

This can lead to intense feelings of self-doubt and low self-esteem.

Here are a couple of the ways authoritarian parenting could have damaged your self-worth.

Prioritization of Compliance & Obedience

If you were raised in a religious cult by authoritarian parents, you were probably rarely praised for your uniqueness or individual achievements because, in these settings, conformity and obedience is the priority.

You were essentially robbed of your individuality, likely growing into adulthood and now struggling to see your own worth outside of the criteria for “goodness” imposed by the religious cult you were raised in.

And as discussed above, you probably now seek external validation, as you were taught that your value lies in the approval of others—specifically, the cult leaders or your authoritarian parents.

Being Criticized for Mistakes or “Failures”

Moreover, mistakes or failures within these strict environments are often met with severe criticism, punishment, or even shaming.

This ingrains you with the harmful belief that you’re intrinsically flawed or unworthy whenever you fall short of expectations.

The continuous fear of punishment and the desire for approval can greatly undermine you self-confidence.

And now as an adult, you may continue to berate yourself for your mistakes and find it hard to accept compliments or recognition, perpetuating the cycle of low self-worth.

I’ve personally dealt with all of four of these and am honestly still working through the long-term effects of a couple of them.

If any of these resonate with you, please know — this is not a personal failing.

The way you were brought up has a major impact on how you interact with the world as an adult.

So please try to be gentle with yourself and have self-compassion as you heal from the wounds that resulted from being raised in a religious cult.