4 Harmful Outcomes of Striving to be "Christ-like"
Religious trauma hits close to home for many who grew up in high-control religions.
A common theme I hear from my online community (@religious.harm.recovery) is how being 'Christ-like' often conditioned them into people-pleasing behaviors, resembling the trauma response known as 'fawning.'
Unfortunately, this conditioning tends to linger even after leaving they’ve left their religion.
In this week's blog post, we're taking a closer look at how religious conditioning around "Christ-like" behavior—with its emphasis on self-sacrifice, forgiveness, and putting others first—has impacted many people's ability to set boundaries, prioritize their own needs, and heal from harmful dynamics.
Christ-Like Behavior and Religious Trauma
For many of us who grew up in fundamentalist evangelical Christian homes, we were taught that being "Christ-like" meant turning the other cheek, always putting others' needs before our own, and showing love and forgiveness no matter what.
I know from the feedback I received that this also extended to Mormons, Jehovah’s Witnesses, Catholics and a number of other religious groups.
While these teachings might have been meant to foster kindness and community, they often led to unhealthy behaviors we carry into adulthood, like people-pleasing, emotional suppression, and tolerating mistreatment.
When combined with the rigid, patriarchal structures found in many religious settings, these behaviors can lead to lasting emotional and psychological struggles, often referred to as religious trauma.
In this context, religious trauma describes the ongoing effects of harmful religious teachings and practices on a person's emotional well-being, self-concept, and ability to form healthy relationships.
These deeply ingrained beliefs don't just disappear when someone leaves their religion.
In fact, they manifest in four common patterns of harm, which I see frequently in my work with religious trauma survivors.
4 Types of Harm Caused by the Expectation to be Christ-like
When I posted an initial query to my Instagram community asking if they felt that the religious conditioning to be “Christ-like” had negative outcomes in their lives, I got dozens and dozens of responses.
However, despite the volume of responses, four key themes emerged repeatedly.
People-Pleasing and Lack of Boundaries
A common thread among those healing from religious trauma is the struggle to set and maintain healthy boundaries.
In many religious settings, self-sacrifice was praised, and putting others' needs before our own was seen as a moral must.
This conditioning often led to chronic people-pleasing behaviors, where prioritizing others' well-being came at the cost of our own mental and emotional health.
This lack of boundaries can show up in personal relationships, work situations, and even in how we treat ourselves.
Setting boundaries becomes tough because we were conditioned to believe that prioritizing our own needs was selfish, unloving, or even sinful.
Emotional Suppression and Guilt
Another common theme is the suppression of emotions—especially anger, frustration, or sadness—because they were considered un-Christ-like.
Many of us were taught that expressing negative emotions was a sign of spiritual failure, leading to feelings of guilt or shame whenever those emotions came up.
As a result, we learned to hide or suppress them, convincing ourselves that they were wrong.
This emotional suppression can cause significant harm in the long run, contributing to mental health challenges such as anxiety, depression, or emotional numbness.
Acceptance of Harmful Behavior
Teachings around forgiveness and unconditional love often created a setting where harmful or abusive behavior was tolerated.
Many were taught to "forgive and forget" to emulate Christ, even in situations where boundaries were crossed, or mistreatment occurred.
I, for one, remember many sermons about Peter asking Jesus how many times he should forgive someone who had wronged him and the response was to “forgive 70x7.”
And this is talking about the same person.
That’s simply a recipe for torment and unhealthy relationship dynamics.
Unfortunately, these teachings made it difficult for folks to recognize the unacceptability of chronic mistreatment, keeping them stuck in toxic cycles for far longer than they should have.
Gender-Specific Pressure on Women
The women in my community noted that they often faced additional burdens around these teachings.
This is likely because patriarchal teachings often reinforce gender roles that emphasize that women are to be submissive, passive, gentle and meek — not to mention “quiet.”
Additionally, women noted gender normative roles were enforced around the expectation that they prioritize the needs and comfort of others, particularly men, which added to the pressure to suppress their own desires and boundaries.
This gender-specific conditioning can lead to ongoing struggles with assertiveness and boundary-setting, especially in male-dominated setting.
The Fawn Response and Religious Trauma
So what can we take away from this feedback and the themes that arose?
When we look at this information through a trauma-informed lens, we can clearly see a significant overlap between the conditioned responses mentioned above and the religious trauma response of fawning.
Trauma is an emotional and physiological response to stressors in our environment.
Religious trauma occurs when the trauma-inducing stressors are connected to religious people, places, things or experiences.
While there are several types of trauma responses someone might have (listed below), the one that was most front and center around the topic of exhibiting Christ-like behavior was the fawn trauma response.
The fawn response is a survival mechanism that involves people-pleasing, compliance, and conflict avoidance as a way of staying safe.
Four Types of Trauma Responses
Trauma responses can be understood as the body's instinctive reactions to threat or harm. They include:
- Fight: Confronting the threat head-on, often resulting in anger or aggression.
- Flight: Attempting to escape or avoid the threat.
- Freeze: Becoming immobilized or numb when faced with a threat.
- Fawn: Attempting to appease the threat by pleasing others and avoiding conflict.
How Religious Trauma Develops
Religious trauma often emerges in settings characterized by high control, where strict doctrines and expectations dictate behavior.
In these settings, people—especially children—are taught that their worth is directly tied to how well they adhere to religious teachings, obey authority, and serve others.
This trauma can develop through:
- Rigid doctrines that prioritize submission, obedience, and sacrifice over individual autonomy.
- Fear-based teachings that instill anxiety over eternal consequences like hell or divine punishment.
- Spiritual abuse where religious authority figures use their power to manipulate or harm others in the name of faith.
- Shame and guilt for failing to meet religious or moral expectations.
Over time, these settings condition people to prioritize compliance, self-sacrifice, and emotional suppression as essential to maintaining their "Christ-like" status, leading to trauma responses such as fawning.
Why Fawning May Be a Common Response
The fawn response in religious trauma survivors is closely tied to religious teachings that emphasize selflessness, humility, and unconditional love.
In high-control religions, followers are often taught that their value depends on how well they serve others and submit to authority, whether that be church leaders, family members, or religious doctrine.
For many, standing up for oneself or asserting personal needs is seen as selfish or sinful, creating a powerful internal conflict.
The fawn response emerges as a way to avoid this conflict by:
- Avoiding punishment: By pleasing others and following religious expectations, people hope to avoid divine or earthly punishment.
- Maintaining social harmony: Many fear being ostracized or judged by their religious community if they assert boundaries or express dissent.
- Earning love and approval: The belief that love must be earned through good behavior leads people to people-please in hopes of receiving validation and approval.
Over time, the fawn response can become automatic, making it hard for people to recognize their own needs or set healthy boundaries.
Case Example: Bethany's Fawn Response
To illustrate how religious trauma and the fawn response intersect, let's look at Bethany's story {not a real person}:
Bethany's Background
Bethany grew up in a strict evangelical household where she was consistently taught that being "Christ-like" meant prioritizing others' needs above her own.
From an early age, she learned that expressing her own desires or emotions, especially anger, was considered selfish and sinful.
Over time, she internalized the idea that her worth was based on how well she could serve others and follow the “rules” according to her church.
Bethany as an Adult
Although Bethany is now an adult and left religion 5 years ago, she finds herself in a pattern of constant people-pleasing both in her personal and professional life.
She rarely says no, even when requests are unreasonable or damaging to her well-being.
She struggles to set boundaries at work, often agreeing to take on extra tasks even when she's overwhelmed.
In relationships, she suppresses her emotions to avoid conflict, prioritizing others' comfort over her own needs.
She is perilously close to becoming completely burned out.
Bethany's Fawn Response
Bethany's behavior is a clear example of the fawn response.
Growing up, she learned that her safety and worth depended on her ability to appease others, so she developed a pattern of compliance and emotional suppression.
Her inability to assert her own needs stems from the religious trauma she experienced as a child, where any form of self-advocacy was seen as a moral failing.
Bethany's Path to Healing
For Bethany, recognizing the fawn response as a trauma response is the first step toward healing.
It allows her to see that her people-pleasing behaviors are not flaws, but survival mechanisms developed in response to the religious setting she grew up in.
Healing for Bethany may involve:
- Setting small boundaries: Learning to say no in low-stakes situations to build her confidence in asserting herself.
- Self-compassion: Practicing self-kindness when she feels guilty for prioritizing her own needs.
- Emotional expression: Allowing herself to feel and express emotions, even those she was taught to suppress.
Over time, Bethany can begin to unlearn these survival mechanisms and develop healthier, more authentic ways of relating to herself and others.
Healing from the Fawn Response
For those recovering from religious trauma, breaking free from the fawn response is an important part of the healing journey.
It involves unlearning the deeply ingrained belief that self-worth is tied to serving others and rediscovering one's inherent value. Here are some steps to start healing:
- Awareness: Recognize when you are falling into the fawn response. This might look like automatically agreeing to something you don't want to do or avoiding conflict at the expense of your well-being.
- Practice saying no: Start with small, safe situations where you can practice setting boundaries. Over time, this will help you feel more confident in asserting your needs.
- Seek support: Work with a therapist, particularly one who understands religious trauma, to explore the roots of your fawn response and develop healthier coping mechanisms. Internal family systems (parts work) is especially useful to help with fawning.
By addressing the fawn response and its connection to religious trauma, people like Bethany (and you!) can begin to reclaim their autonomy, develop healthy boundaries, and engage in relationships from a place of genuine choice rather than fear-driven people-pleasing.
Final Reflection
If you recognize yourself in any of these patterns, take a moment to reflect on how they were shaped by your religious upbringing (this would be a great journaling exercise).
Healing from these deeply ingrained beliefs takes time, but reclaiming your autonomy and emotional well-being is a necessary part of recovery.
Remember, being "Christ-like" doesn't mean sacrificing your own well-being, and setting boundaries is essential for your healing journey.
As always, I'm here to support you on this path.
Thank you for being a part of this community and for your commitment to healing!
What To Do Next:
We covered quite a bit of information in this article. If you’re wondering what to do next, consider the following…
Join the Group:
One thing I would definitely encourage you to do is to check out my private Facebook group for folks recovering from religious harm and spiritual abuse:
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Content Disclaimer:
This blog post shares insights from my clinical experience & professional education in exploring key topics related to religious harm recovery. However, it is not intended as academic writing or formal research. For more information, please see the full disclaimer.
Read more about Religious Trauma:
