Religious Trauma Bonds: What They Are & How They Develop
In this article, I'm talking about something I see all the time in my religious harm recovery work: trauma bonds.
While this term is often used when discussing abusive relationships, trauma bonds can also form in authoritarian religious groups where fear, guilt, and control are key tools for keeping members loyal and obedient.
{Disclaimer: I am using the terms "abuser" and "victim" below simply to keep the roles clear as I describe what happens in these dynamics; however, I recognize the term "survivor" is a more hopeful, empowering term in most other contexts regarding trauma and abuse.}
What is a Trauma Bond?
A trauma bond isn't just a connection between people who've experienced trauma together; it's more nuanced than that.
It represents a psychological phenomenon that often arises in relationships characterized by power imbalances, manipulation, and emotional dependency.
Defining Trauma Bonds
Trauma bonds occur when there's a cycle of abuse, mixed with moments of kindness or love, creating a deep emotional connection between the abuser and the victim.
The moments of abuse actually make the moments of kindness, care, and affection seem much more significant — kind of like how water tends to taste so much better when you're super-parched.
This relationship dynamic can leave victims in a state of confusion and emotional turmoil as they grapple with conflicting experiences of love and pain.
In fact, people who are trauma bonded to an abuser may find themselves clinging to the moments of affection, using them as justification for tolerating the abuse.
Or the intermittent kindness may lead them to believe that they can change the abuser or that the relationship is "getting better."
When children are in these situations with an abusive parent, the situation is even more complex because they're unable to get away from the abuse even if they wanted to, so they must cling to the positive aspects of the relationship as a way to psychologically survive.
Key Characteristics of Trauma Bonds
Trauma bonds are characterized by several key features that distinguish them from healthy relationships.
These characteristics help explain why victims often struggle to leave abusive situations, despite recognizing the harm being done.
Cycle of Abuse:
The victim experiences intermittent reinforcement through cycles of abuse and kindness, making it difficult to leave.
This cycle creates a sense of unpredictability that can be both exciting and terrifying, leading the victim to become hyper-attuned to the abuser's moods and behaviors.
Emotional Confusion:
Because of the nature of the relationship, victims often feel a strong emotional attachment to the abuser, which leads them to rationalize (or dissociate from) harmful behavior.
This emotional attachment can create a sense of guilt or shame when the victim considers leaving, as they may feel ungrateful for the moments of kindness or love they have received.
Sense of Responsibility:
Often, people who are trauma bonded end up feeling responsible for the abuser's feelings or actions, causing them to critically monitor themselves in order to avoid "upsetting" the abuser.
Victims may even think they must help or support the abuser, believing that the abuser was only harmful to them because of untreated mental illness, increased stress, etc.
Fear of Abandonment:
A pervasive fear of abandonment often accompanies trauma bonds because the abuser has usually become the center of their victim's world.
Even though the trauma bonded person is routinely being harmed, they may also believe that they'll never experience another connection like what they have with the person they're bonded to.
Identity Loss:
Ultimately, people who are trauma bonded come to lose their sense of identity as their personal agency is eroded and their self-worth becomes ever-more reliant on the abuser's scraps of love and affection.
Religious Trauma Bonds
I consider trauma bonding that occurs in the context of a religious group to be a "religious trauma bond."
In authoritarian religious settings, a trauma bond often forms between members and the group, where the group or its leaders function as an abuser would in an abusive relationship.
This trauma bond is reinforced by the group's strict rules, hierarchical authority, and a system that discourages questioning or alternate viewpoints.
Here are some specific ways that dependency on the group mirrors dependency on an abuser:
Dependence on the Group for Emotional & Social Support
Much like in an abusive relationship, members of authoritarian religious groups are often encouraged—or even required—to rely exclusively on the group for all social and emotional needs.
Friendships, family connections, and even personal milestones are filtered through the group's lens.
This isolation keeps members dependent, making it difficult to imagine life outside the group.
The group’s approval becomes central to a member’s sense of worth and belonging, making separation feel like an emotional severance, almost as if they’re losing a loved one.
Just as people stay in abusive relationships due to emotional dependency, many stay in authoritarian groups for fear of losing all community support.
Fear of Retribution or Condemnation
In both abusive relationships and religious trauma bonds, a climate of fear keeps members loyal and obedient.
Many groups use threats of divine punishment, ostracism, or “spiritual death” to enforce obedience, much like an abuser might threaten punishment or abandonment to control a partner.
This climate of fear can lead to intense emotional confusion, where the victim oscillates between loyalty (to avoid punishment) and resentment (due to feeling controlled).
The result is a psychological attachment to the group that is difficult to break, similar to the “push-pull” dynamic in trauma-bonded relationships.
Suffering Conflated with Spirituality
In many religious groups, there's a prevailing belief that suffering is a necessary part of spiritual growth.
Because these groups often equate suffering with holiness, many people experience chronic religious harm without even recognizing that they're being abused.
They may even dismiss their suffering altogether, believing that true believers must withstand trials and tribulations to attain spiritual connection with the divine.
This can lead to a cycle where pain is normalized and suffering is seen as a virtue, further blurring the lines between devotion and abuse.
Identity Loss Due to Group Enmeshment
Many religious groups encourage believers to "die to self" or "give themselves to the Lord."
They adopt the belief that they're "nothing" without their identity in Christ.
When people are raised in religious groups like this, the authentic self may never have been nurtured because they were immediately viewed as having a "sin nature" or not being complete without the presence of God in their lives.
This makes the process of breaking free from a coercive religion especially difficult.
The bonds created by trauma are often intertwined with core aspects of one's identity, making the idea of leaving not only a matter of physical separation but also a deep existential crisis.
Moreover, the process of unwinding oneself from these internalized beliefs often feels like a betrayal—not just of the religious group but of the very values and beliefs that were instilled from a young age.
Religious Coercion Creates Confusion
Many people don't fully grasp the extent of the emotional and psychological toll of their experiences until they’re no longer part of the group.
Once separated from the religious trauma bond, it’s normal to feel an overwhelming sense of emptiness, like a hollow space has opened up where faith and certainty used to live.
This feeling of emptiness can be disorienting and even frightening.
In many ways, it represents the loss of a structure that, for years, helped define your values, your purpose, and even your sense of self.
Releasing long-held beliefs can feel like losing a part of yourself, and the process can trigger intense feelings of grief and loneliness, as though you’re in freefall without an anchor to hold onto.
This discomfort is a natural part of healing and growth; it’s a sign that you’re beginning to see yourself outside the framework that was imposed on you.
Though it feels destabilizing, this period of “emptiness” can actually be a doorway to self-discovery, allowing you to explore who you are beyond the doctrines and rules you were raised with.
As you work through this stage, try to be patient with yourself and trust that feeling “lost” is part of the journey toward reclaiming your life.
And remember, this void won’t last forever.
Over time, you’ll begin to fill it with beliefs, values, and connections that reflect who you truly are—and this foundation, built by you, can ultimately provide a sense of stability that’s far more meaningful than the one you left behind.
Steps Toward Healing from Trauma Bonds
While trauma bonds distort reality and make leaving feel almost impossible while you're in the situation, it's definitely possible to heal once you're out.
Here are some steps that are an important part of this process.
1. Acknowledge the Trauma Bond
Recognizing the situation for what it was is essential.
Understanding the true nature of the situation should validate why things have felt so difficult.
Reflect on your relationships within your former religious group and/or your religious upbringing and identify the signs of emotional manipulation, fear, and guilt that were present.
Acknowledge the ways in which these experiences shaped your sense of self and your beliefs.
2. Educate Yourself About Narcissistic Dynamics
Understanding the characteristics of narcissistic relationships can help you recognize similar patterns that occur in authoritarian religious contexts.
Dr. Ramani Durvasula, an expert on narcissism, emphasizes the importance of identifying traits such as gaslighting, idealization, and devaluation.
Idealization occurs when the narcissist puts their target on a pedestal, showering them with excessive praise and attention (love-bombing).
Devaluation is when the narcissist becomes critical, dismissive, or outright abusive (you're a worthless sinner, you're undeserving of God's love, etc.).
Gaslighting is a manipulation tactic where the narcissist denies or distorts reality, making the victim question their own perceptions and memories.
Recognize how these tactics may have been used to maintain control over you and distort your perception of reality.
3. Set Boundaries
Establishing healthy boundaries is critical for reclaiming your autonomy.
This may involve limiting contact with people who perpetuate toxic dynamics or distancing yourself from religious groups that are harmful.
Dr. Ramani suggests that boundaries are essential for protecting your emotional well-being and preventing re-engagement with the trauma bond.
You may even consider "taking a break" from a person or group to give yourself time to detox and clear your mind.
It's important to take the time and space you need to rebuild your emotional strength and to start thinking more clearly about the situation.
4. Process Your Emotions
Allow yourself to grieve the loss of your former beliefs and relationships.
It's normal to feel a mix of anger, sadness, and confusion.
Journaling can be a helpful tool to articulate these feelings and process your experiences as well as provide a concrete way of examining the "reality" of your situation.
Finding a therapist who understands authoritarian religious groups and/or narcissistic dynamics could also help you in processing your emotions, offering coping strategies, and assisting you in rebuilding your sense of self outside the religious trauma bond.
5. Rebuild Your Identity
Start exploring your interests, values, and beliefs outside of the confines of your religious upbringing.
This may include trying new activities, forming new relationships, and rediscovering who you are independent of the religious trauma bond.
Dr. Ramani emphasizes the importance of self-discovery as an essential part of healing from narcissistic relationships.
6. Find Community Support
Connecting with others who have experienced similar trauma can be incredibly healing.
Look for support groups or online communities that focus on recovery from religious trauma or narcissistic relationships.
My private Facebook group is: Religious Harm Recovery
Sharing your experiences with others who understand can foster a sense of belonging and validation.
7. Practice Self-Compassion
As you work through the healing process, try to be gentle with yourself.
A lot of people blame themselves for not "seeing it sooner," but many people who are trauma bonded can't see things clearly because that's the nature of this specific type of abuse.
What's amazing is that you have seen it now, and you're taking steps towards reclaiming your life.
Final Thoughts
Understanding how trauma bonds look in religious settings is often an essential part of religious harm recovery.
By recognizing the patterns of abuse and emotional confusion, you can begin to unwind yourself from the bonds that have held you captive for so long.
And as you navigate your healing journey, remember that it's okay to seek help and lean on others who understand your experiences.
In fact, being able to count on others who model healthy relationship dynamics can help you rebuild trust not only in yourself but also in humanity.
What To Do Next:
We covered quite a bit of information in this article. If you’re wondering what to do next, consider the following…
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One thing I would definitely encourage you to do is to check out my private Facebook group for folks recovering from religious harm and spiritual abuse:
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Disclaimer:
This blog post shares insights from my clinical experience & professional education in exploring key topics related to religious harm recovery. However, it is not intended as academic writing or formal research. For more information, please see the full disclaimer.
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